


Extra Weird

by attack_on_feels



Category: Mass Effect Trilogy
Genre: F/M, friends - Freeform, joker notices Shep is hot, the citidel dlc
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-01
Updated: 2018-05-01
Packaged: 2019-04-30 15:03:00
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,665
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14499579
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/attack_on_feels/pseuds/attack_on_feels
Summary: Joker reflects upon the bat shit crazy day he just had after the Citadel DLC. A little one shot since I've never written any fanfiction and wanted to give it a go. My first play through of ME1 had Shepard as an Engineer but I changed her to a Vanguard in me2 and have head cannoned that Cerberus genetically altered her to give her biotics because TIM said not to change her mind or personality, but didn't mind upgrades to her body. Also a Speactre should ALWAYS have a gun even if shes just going out to dinner. I don't have a beta reader and my spelling sucks so please let me know when you pick up mistakes.





	Extra Weird

Today had been weird. Well extra weird, most days serving under the Commander ended up being some variation of weird. Weird was fine. Weird was normal. Extra weird however was pushing things out of Joker’s comfort zone. Extra weird was having the crew fight your CO’s clone in a Shepard Vs Fake Shepard battle royale . Extra weird was fake Shepard and her violent yet weirdly inept girlfriend stealing the damn Normandy. Extra weird was saving her with a toothbrush. But the most extra weird thing of all was that Joker had thought that he was meeting his CO for business over Sushi but Shepard had showed up for a date. With him. Apparently she got a message from him asking her to dinner. A very fancy dinner that involved a french waiter, expensive food a very tight short black dress and a diamond necklace. And she’d agreed to come. Shepard had always been a good looking woman but tonight she looked hot in a way not even she could pull off in gore soaked armour. When he saw her he actuality felt like a bit of an asshole for showing up in his casual uniform before his brain reminded him that this was susposed to be about urgent, important business and why was she dressed like that what the fuck is going on, stop gawking at her you asshole.

As the trap was sprung Joker thought his Commander looked PISSED. Which was fair enough since it took a special kind of asshole to try and kill you on shore leave. As the mercs descended upon the unwitting restaurant Shepard had begun muttering darkly about having her evening ruined. And there she was all angry and armed and in heels doing that “protector Shepard “ thing she did so well only this time she looked like a Blasto girl staring in a wet dream. And of course he’d be the only back up she’d have when she was at her most vulnerable. Which wasn’t that vulnerable mind you since she managed to conceal a pretty little pistol somewhere in that black ensemble plus with her magic Cerberus biotics she was always dangerous. He wondered if Spectre training taught its operatives how to bend the laws of physics in the name of fashion. They probably did. 

Ever the opportunist she’d used him as bait. Which actuality kind of hurt a bit if he was being honest with himself. They both knew she wouldn't let anything happen to him but his manly ego had already been as brittle as the rest of him at that point and being used as bait felt a bit to much like her confirming that outside of the Normandy he was completely useless. So much for being a solider. But he had orders and shuffling away from the gunfight seemed to be a good idea and hey maybe this time he wouldn’t get her killed by being a stubborn asshole. 

The intense evening had understandably taken his mind away from the new found realization that the first human Spectre was a bonafide babe for a few hours until early the next morning as the crew lounged about in Shepard’s cushy new digs. After a bit of clone-a-cide and painting the shuttle bay with Brooks ‘ brains, Shepard had declared that she refused to remain sober for even a second longer. Food was ordered, booze was procured and injuries were medi geled. It wasn’t so much a party as a communal therapy session where everybody kinda smelt bad. Most of the crew stripped off their armour and lounged about in their much more comfortable civvies. Traynor, EDI and Liara immediately claimed the spa. Kaiden, Garrus and Javik sprawled out over the couches near the fire place eating with that pathetic “I worked up a sweat killing people all night and now Im STARVING“ look on their faces. He saw that look on the Normandy a lot. James lay unceremoniously on the floor rambling on about some bullshit or other in between shoving a kebab in his face. Joker sat with his back to the the wall of the fire place, the slight warmth bleeding down the bricks and the support from the wall were doing amazing things for his aching back. There was way to much physical activity tonight and his everything hurt. His left had slowly massaged his legs in between sips of his beer. Grunt was asleep on the kitchen table. The rest were spread about the place all showing signs of exhaustion and drunkenness. Well except for Wrex he seemed fine. 

Shepard had taken a burger and 2 weird space tubes of Ryncol to the shower with her over an hour ago. Joker idly wondered what they would do if Commander Shepard: First human Spectre and galactic peacemaker fell asleep and drowned in the shower before deciding that for the sake of his own sanity “Shepard“ and “Shower “ were words that were not allowed to be used together in a sentence ever again. 

When she rejoined their sad little party she looked nothing like she had at the beginning of the night. Her face was clear of make up for perhaps the first time ever, there was an impressive bruise forming over her right eye where fake Shepard had clocked her with a biotic punch and her hair was damp and a bit messy. The freckles on her face were a surprise as was the fact that she had wrapped herself in the N7 hoodie that he and EDI had gotten her. Joker thought having every single item of clothing you owned emblazzed with the N7 logo to be a bit weird but then again weird was normal for them, he’d just gone with it when picking out the gift. Commander Shepard was not a cute woman. She was poised, confidant and composed. Other women looking like she did right now might be cute but the Commander looked….relaxed? Tired? Not like a genetically altered killing machine? He didn’t know the word but she looked less stressed than she had been in a while and that made him relax in turn. She surveyed the apartment making sure everybody was ok because Shepard wouldn't be Shepard without her Commander Mom complex before making her way to the kitchen. She slumped down next to Joker when she returned and unceremoniously handed him a glass. The drink was a kind of clear yellow. He gave it a tentative stir with the straw.  
“Will this poison me? “ He asked knowing fully what Sheaprd was capable of drinking. She snorted.  
“Its a Pina Colada Joker. Oh fuck I almost forgot. “ She reched into her pocket and pulled out two tiny drink umbrellas and placed them in his cup.  
“Shepard where the fuck did you even get these? “ He laughed.  
“I’m an Alliance Commander, N7 operative, Spectre and a Zombie. You think I can’t make good on my promise to get you some tiny umbrellas? Please Flight Lieutenant you wound me. “  
“Sure keep the mystery alive. Anderson probably had some stashed in the pantry. “ He took a sip. It was stronger than he’d expected but not bad. “ Thats fucking awesome Commander. “  
“Yeah, consider it an apology for using you as bait. It was a dick move even for me. “ She seemed comfortable slumped against the wall drinking what ever the fuck was in her space tube. Joker looked at the glass considering her apology. “Do you always apologize with booze? “ He wondered aloud. She smiled. “Usually. “  
“Well apology accepted. How are you doing with the whole clone business anyway? “  
She was quiet a moment. Joker sighed. “You feel bad she died huh? Commander, only you would feel bad for a woman that tried to steal your identity, did steal your ship and tried to kill you all night. “  
Shepard sighed a little sadly and he knew he’d hit the nail on the head. “She was a crazy, dangerous, asshole but she was also just another of Cerberus‘ fucked up little schemes. And you didn’t see the look on her face when Brooks didn’t try to save her. That was…..harsh. If I were grown in a tank for spare parts and then forgotten I’d be a crazy asshole too. I could have saved her.I should have, maybe one day she could have become her own person and gotten over the whole wanting to murder me thing. She kinda reminded me of Jack when I first met her just lashing out at anything she could. We should have a toast to her, my clone not Jack. Or fuck it, to both of them, Jack always said I was a pussy she would probably like Clone Shepard better. “  
Joker smiled at his CO’s sentiment. He could see how much not knowing where Jack ended up was weighing her down and could kind of see the parallels between fake Shepard and Jack, if he squinted. Last they heard of Jack she was at Grissim academy but on their way to the station they’d stopped in at the Citidel to refuel and then had to stop Cerberus from wrecking the damn place up, councilors and civilians included. By the time she’d sorted out that mess Grissim academy had been lost along with any trace of Jack. “Commander you realize you are in fact a crazy, dangerous, asshole right? But yeah, Fake Shepard had it rough. So I’ll indulge your toast. “ They both raised their glasses and Joker scrambled for something to say. “To fake Shepard, Jack and you Commander. You’re the three most terrifying, sexy women I‘ve ever had the pleasure to be threatened by. “  
Shepard laughed as they clinked their glasses and scooched a bit closer to him before gently resting her head on his shoulder. Neither of them mentioned it and Joker soaked up the unexpected contact like a sponge. Yeah his CO might be a beautiful, dangerous murder machine with a heart of gold but she was still Shepard.


End file.
